Trusting–Easier said than Done

This morning I was having a conversation with my mom about the size of my home and the fact that eventually my family will need a larger home to live in.  Frankly, with the economy and housing market the way it is right now it’s just not in the cards for us to move and, to be perfectly honest, I have no idea when the time will come for us to be able to afford a larger home.  But I know in my heart that God knows our need and He also knows exactly when and how we will be able to move.  I don’t have to worry about it because God has it all under control. 

It got me thinking that perhaps folks may think that trust comes naturally for me and that it’s easy for me to not worry about things because God has everything under control.  Let me tell you, I am quite possibly the biggest worry-wart you will ever meet!!  It’s true!  I like to have all my ducks in a row and I like to know how everything will turn out.  This is very obvious when it comes to how I read books.  If a book starts getting too dramatic or it’s not looking like it’s going to end the way I want it to, I will flip to the end to make sure everything turns out wonderfully and then finish reading the book with ease.  I can’t do this with life and at times it freaks me out. 

For the most part I am a really happy person and try to enjoy life.  But I was noticing that due to my chronic worrying there was a piece of my life that wasn’t joyful.  Inside I wasn’t the excited, carefree person that many people thought I was.  Inside I looked more like this………

On the outside I tried extremely hard to appear put together so no one would know just how messed up I was.  I would put on a smile every morning and reply with the classic, “fine” whenever someone would ask how I was doing. 

When I came to the realization that I was tired of living in the state of stress, fear, worry and the feeling of complete panic I had to come to the harsh reality that I felt all these things because I wasn’t trusting that God was in control.  I had become so guarded in my life that I felt like if something needed to be completed, changed or taken care of I had to do it myself.  But by having this mindset I was missing out on all the blessings God had been bestowing upon me the entire time! 

It was at this point that I had to make the decision to change.  I think some people have the idea of “well, if I’m supposed to be a certain way, think a certain way or act a certain way then it will either come with maturity or God will work on me”.  To a certain degree I think this is true but on a higher level I have to disagree.  God can only help change a heart and an attitude if the person is willing and wanting to change.  God couldn’t help me deal with my distrust and worry until I was ready to deal with it myself.  Once I made the decision that I was sick and tired of living with a dark cloud over me He stepped in and helped. 

Here’s what I did – I immersed myself in Scripture and prayer and made a conscious decision that I was going to trust God no matter what!  I got some notecards and wrote a verse down on each notecard and kept them on my desk.  Each time I felt myself begin to worry or get anxious I would grab my verses and read through them.  At times Andrew would see me start to panic and tell me, “you need to go ready your verses”.   Amazingly enough, whenever I did this I would feel such peace and a calmness come over me.  It got to where I was craving Scripture and I began diving into the Word more and more. 

Through this process, God really spoke to me His truths and showed me in obvious ways that even though life throws curves and things don’t go always the way we plan, God is always trustworthy and there is not a promise He doesn’t fulfill.  His Word is true and when we begin reading it more and more and feeding our Spirit we begin to recognize the work that God has been doing in our lives all along. 

 

I cling to my verses and I have made it a habit to read them over and over again and every once in awhile God brings new verses to add to my stack of notecards.  I know how to trust God in a way that I’ve never trusted before and I realize that our earthly trials will come but God knows our future and has everything under His control.  Now my happiness isn’t the mask hiding the stress.  My happiness is radiating from within.