Individual Reconsideration

The other day I was conversing with someone when they surprised me by sharing a concern.

To paraphrase, the main concern was that I was not identifying myself as Krista anymore but allowing my role in life and surrounding circumstances identify who I am.

It was an interesting concern and one I had never heard expressed to me before but it got me thinking. 

Who really am I? 

If you were to ask me 10 years ago who I was, the reply was simple.  I was simply Krista.  I was a confident individual.  I was busy with many activities and work.  I was engaged but still able to hold my individual place in this world. 

That was who I was.  But not necessarily who I am now.  And you know what?  I LOVE THAT FACT!!!

As I thought and pondered this person’s concern for me, I felt excited and blessed by the fact that indeed, I do not identify myself as just Krista anymore. 

Let me explain.

Over the past 10 years my identity has, in fact, changed.  I am a wife, a mother of four, I have a deeper relationship with Christ, I have developed new hobbies, I have made new, lifelong friends, I actually know my career of choice and have plans to pursue it.  By a large margin, I am not the same person I was 10 years ago. 

Now brace yourself because here’s where my epiphany happened!

I wouldn’t even WANT to identify myself as just Krista anymore.  

Seeing myself as an individual is so flat and boring.  It’s the people in my life and the roles I play in other people’s lives that give my life depth and meaning.  I feel more blessed today than I did 10 years ago and the change that happened was my focus shifted away from me as an individual.

I have not lost sight of who I am, but rather have expanded on who I am. 

I am still strong, confident Krista who likes to read while taking scalding hot baths.  It’s just now I get to have kids pounding on the door and a husband peaking in periodically too. 

….. and I wouldn’t want it any other way.

Getting in the Picture

I enjoy scrapbooking.  I wouldn’t say I’m naturally crafty or talented at it but I do enjoy sitting down with pictures of my kids and arranging them in fun, colorful ways to capture the memories of their childhood.  But whenever I get to the pages where I want to include pictures of each child with Andrew and myself, I always discover someone missing…… ME!!!!

Are there any other moms out there who find this to be true?  Do you ever look through pictures of your kids and find that you spend more time behind the camera than in front of it?

I was very conscious of my aversion to the camera and very aware of the times I would purposefully dodge the camera. 

The reason – because instead of capturing the extra baby weight, the unkempt hair, my lack of make-up, or less-than-fashionable wardrobe, it’s just easier for me to stand behind the camera and capture each milestone my kids reach.

But recently I read an article that challenged me by asking the question, “do your kids care?” 

Do your kids care about the extra pounds you may have gained while carrying them inside you? 

Do your kids care whether or not you’re able to stand in front of the mirror for 15 minutes that morning to make yourself presentable?

Do your kids care that you haven’t been able to afford new clothes recently?

The only thing your kids really care about is that you are their mom.  We aren’t going to be around forever and someday a time will come when we aren’t able to be in our children’s lives anymore.  At that point, it is vitally important that we leave behind memories and photos for our children to hold onto and cherish. 

I want my kids to be able to look back on their childhood photos someday and be able to see their mom.  To see that I was, at one point, young, active and every bit involved in their lives.  And the thing that I realized is that whereas I see pictures of myself and start picking apart all the negatives, my kids look at pictures and just see their mommy. 

So here’s my challenge for all of you.  Don’t dodge the camera.  Get in front of it!  Capture memories with your kids for them to keep even after we’ve past. 

 

Confessions from an imperfect mom

Yesterday was just “one of those days”.  You know the kind, right?  When things seem out of control and you can’t get anything to go right.  I posted on my facebook status:

“You know those moments where you laugh because otherwise you'll cry? Yup, having one of those moments right now.”

Today a friend came up to me and thanked me for it.  Why?  Because, especially as moms, we tend to forget we are not the only ones who have bad days.  It was refreshing for her to know she wasn’t the only one who had those days where you all you feel like doing is crying. 

So today, let me just put it out there just in case anyone is feeling like they’re the only ones who struggle ….. I’m not a perfect mom! 

There have been days and situations where, instead of keeping cool and calm, I completely fly off the handle and have to go back to kids to seek forgiveness because I didn’t respond and act as I should have. 

There have been times when I have locked myself in the bathroom (because it’s the only locking door) and dissolved in tears.

There have been moments where I have been completely clueless to know what to do or say and all I can think of is to cry out to the Lord a single word…. “HELP!” 

But I have to be honest, amongst my times of wanting to give up, I get glimpses of sunshine that show me I must be doing something right. 

Like when Adam and Emma thank Andrew and I for making their dinner every evening, or the random hugs around my waist with “I love you, Mommy”.  The smiles, the giggles and the snuggles. 

I realize I’m certainly not perfect and there are many things I’m working on daily to improve, but when I see my kids playing contently together, laughing together and loving each other, it helps me realize that despite my missteps, the good far outweighs the difficult.

I know it’s easy to focus on everything that’s falling apart around us and all the things giving in to chaos, but take a moment (because that’s usually all the time we have) to catch a ray of sun so you can confidently tell yourself, “I must be doing something right”. 

A new Beginning

Tomorrow marks the beginning of my road to an accounting certificate.  Eek!!  I’m definitely the type of person who doesn’t cope well with change of any kind – whether good, bad or indifferent.  Whenever anything around me changes I feel uneasy and out-of-sorts for a couple weeks until my routine establishes itself again. 

But here I am about ready to change things up a bit.  I’ve enrolled in the accounting program at City University so for the next 5 quarters I will be plowing through accounting classes, business law, taxes and finishing it all off with auditing.  Although it’s nerve wracking to a certain extent,  I’m excited for what my future holds with this new chapter in my accounting career. 

So if you think of it the next couple of weeks, please keep me in prayer.  Please pray that I can keep my wits about me and dive right into my schoolwork with a good understanding of my material and good time-management between my school, Adam’s homeschool, MOPS, weekly activities, and motherhood.   

Trusting–Easier said than Done

This morning I was having a conversation with my mom about the size of my home and the fact that eventually my family will need a larger home to live in.  Frankly, with the economy and housing market the way it is right now it’s just not in the cards for us to move and, to be perfectly honest, I have no idea when the time will come for us to be able to afford a larger home.  But I know in my heart that God knows our need and He also knows exactly when and how we will be able to move.  I don’t have to worry about it because God has it all under control. 

It got me thinking that perhaps folks may think that trust comes naturally for me and that it’s easy for me to not worry about things because God has everything under control.  Let me tell you, I am quite possibly the biggest worry-wart you will ever meet!!  It’s true!  I like to have all my ducks in a row and I like to know how everything will turn out.  This is very obvious when it comes to how I read books.  If a book starts getting too dramatic or it’s not looking like it’s going to end the way I want it to, I will flip to the end to make sure everything turns out wonderfully and then finish reading the book with ease.  I can’t do this with life and at times it freaks me out. 

For the most part I am a really happy person and try to enjoy life.  But I was noticing that due to my chronic worrying there was a piece of my life that wasn’t joyful.  Inside I wasn’t the excited, carefree person that many people thought I was.  Inside I looked more like this………

On the outside I tried extremely hard to appear put together so no one would know just how messed up I was.  I would put on a smile every morning and reply with the classic, “fine” whenever someone would ask how I was doing. 

When I came to the realization that I was tired of living in the state of stress, fear, worry and the feeling of complete panic I had to come to the harsh reality that I felt all these things because I wasn’t trusting that God was in control.  I had become so guarded in my life that I felt like if something needed to be completed, changed or taken care of I had to do it myself.  But by having this mindset I was missing out on all the blessings God had been bestowing upon me the entire time! 

It was at this point that I had to make the decision to change.  I think some people have the idea of “well, if I’m supposed to be a certain way, think a certain way or act a certain way then it will either come with maturity or God will work on me”.  To a certain degree I think this is true but on a higher level I have to disagree.  God can only help change a heart and an attitude if the person is willing and wanting to change.  God couldn’t help me deal with my distrust and worry until I was ready to deal with it myself.  Once I made the decision that I was sick and tired of living with a dark cloud over me He stepped in and helped. 

Here’s what I did – I immersed myself in Scripture and prayer and made a conscious decision that I was going to trust God no matter what!  I got some notecards and wrote a verse down on each notecard and kept them on my desk.  Each time I felt myself begin to worry or get anxious I would grab my verses and read through them.  At times Andrew would see me start to panic and tell me, “you need to go ready your verses”.   Amazingly enough, whenever I did this I would feel such peace and a calmness come over me.  It got to where I was craving Scripture and I began diving into the Word more and more. 

Through this process, God really spoke to me His truths and showed me in obvious ways that even though life throws curves and things don’t go always the way we plan, God is always trustworthy and there is not a promise He doesn’t fulfill.  His Word is true and when we begin reading it more and more and feeding our Spirit we begin to recognize the work that God has been doing in our lives all along. 

 

I cling to my verses and I have made it a habit to read them over and over again and every once in awhile God brings new verses to add to my stack of notecards.  I know how to trust God in a way that I’ve never trusted before and I realize that our earthly trials will come but God knows our future and has everything under His control.  Now my happiness isn’t the mask hiding the stress.  My happiness is radiating from within.

The First of Many

Ever have one of those mornings when you wake up and think, "Yes!  It's Friday!!" only to realize a second later that it is, in fact, only Tuesday?  This was my morning.  But despite this semi-disappointing start to my day, I'm excited to be here blogging. 

I am the kind of person who loves to have people over to my home for dinners, game nights, parties or just to hang out and talk.  So think of this as my way of inviting you into my home and my family and welcoming you into this part of my life.  You can share in my joys as a wife and a mom and sometimes my struggles.  I hope you will laugh with me, cheer with me and there may be days where you cry with me.  But more importantly I hope I share with you in our journey through life.

So let me introduce you all to myself and my family.

This is my wonderful husband, Andrew, and myself. We are high school sweethearts and have been married for nearly 8 years.  Even after all these years we are closer than ever.  If you've ever listened to Tim McGraw's song "Best Friend" it sums us up perfectly. 

  

Together Andrew and I have three wonderful kids.  Adam is going to be 5 (tomorrow!!!), Emma is 3 and Katie Jo is nearly 6 months.  I'm sure I will be sharing many stories about them throughout my blogging experience.  

So that's my family in a nutshell.  I'm sure they will bring a smile to your face as they bring smiles to mine.  

I do hope you enjoy your non-Friday-Tuesday!!! :-)  Be blessed today!!!